In dealing with former lovers, what rules apply?
I was invited by an ex-lover to a dinner with his friends during the Christmas break. I was hesitant at first, and got worried when he said that he hasn’t told any of his friends that I would be joining them. When we got there, it was awkward initially, since the only time that I had personal contact with my ex-lover’s friends was when we were still together.
I eventually warmed up to the group, and they were actually nice. My ex would look at me once in a while and ask if I’m ok, and I knew that I looked a bit restless. But with the help of good food, some chit-chat, and later on, a few bottles of beer, I started to feel comfortable. It felt good to be in that crowd.
Until one of them, quite loudly and without any warning, popped the hitherto unsaid question: “So Jonas, why are you here?”
I was mortified. A part of me considered the possibility of leaving, but I thought that would have made a bigger deal out of it. But I felt wildly embarrassed I tried remembering if one of our yoga teachers indeed taught us how to levitate. I forced myself to think that I really am a pond in the middle of a dense forest and hoped I could do astral travel with the help of San Mig light. Anything, a relaxing child’s pose, just to evade the question.
In the end, I just smiled. My ex saved me, and simply explained that he invited me. I think he handled it well. The friend who asked the question, who was drunk, saw through my embarrassment and apologized. The next thing I knew another chismis was being discussed, and that was the end of that episode, at least for that night.
All in all, it was a wake up call. I enjoyed being with my ex’s friends, but after the incident, I had to ask myself repeatedly: why did I decide to go in the first place?
Our lives as gay men may still be predominantly underground (at least here in catholic Philippines), but we are creatures of heterosexual etiquettes. Their rules apply. Unless proven otherwise break-ups are always presumed to be bitter, and friendships and past loves can’t mix. Whoever initiated the break-up must expect consternation from his lover’s friends. One must not date an ex-lover’s ex, including his friends, and sex with an ex is a no-no. We celebrate the liberation that goes with entering into gay relationships, but we have to admit that there’s a Juday-Ryan conformity in the affairs of our gay heart.
But do we really need to follow these rules? I have been through hard break-ups, most of them quite protracted. But I am friends with my former lovers, including guys that I dated exclusively in the past, and I have a fondness for them that couldn’t be denied. I still go out with them, could talk to them about anything, and have long and meaningful conversations with them. Others find it weird, but isn’t it normal to want to relate with people who have part of your life?
As for sex, here’s the coupon theory: we are all supposedly allowed to have sex with our ex for at most once a year. It’s like we have a coupon that we can avail yearly. It might be difficult to manage if your ex-lovers exceed the number of days in a year, if you’re not single (the coupon then is wasted, assuming that you’re monogamous), or if you haven’t moved on. As in with other coupons, always, always read the fine print. It goes without saying that the other party may revoke the validity of the coupon unilaterally; insisting otherwise is commonly known as rape.
(Just for my friends’ peace of mind, nope, I haven’t availed of my coupons yet.)
The only thing is, when one is single and one is happy to be friends with ex-lovers, there are other unusual issues that one must contend with. For instance, what happens when an ex-lover stops being an ex-lover and somehow strangely becomes an object of affection?
Too bad I don’t know how to answer that question, though I must say that right now, ignorance is bliss.
Tags: break-ups, ex-lovers, gay relationships
January 3, 2008 at 1:43 am
for more COUPONS!!!!
hehehehe
January 3, 2008 at 8:49 am
naku for more beer yan!
hahahahahaha
January 3, 2008 at 9:36 am
seryoso? di ka pa nag-aavail ng coupons? ever????
January 3, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I’m with you there Jonas, I also asked myself that question, what are people being afraid of being with ex-es; I like what you said, about being friends with your exes & people from your past - after all they’re indeed part of our life.”
After all, it’s only love..
January 3, 2008 at 6:27 pm
dear dear friends,
wala pa. no coupons yet. and the fine print scares the hell out of me. but being friends with them is worth it, even though at times it makes me feel that the things we do are an extension - a more sober, funny in a way - of the break up, of what happened. parang workshop lang. lol. i’m just kidding.
but the important thing is, read the fine print.
January 7, 2008 at 2:27 pm
coupons, cge nga masubujan hehehehe just kiddin`.
January 8, 2008 at 3:37 pm
yung coupons mo ba e yung type na pwedeng i-redeem kahit sa ibang stores?
January 9, 2008 at 3:59 pm
pareng taroogs,
basta wag kalimutang isulat ang iyong pangalan, tirahan, pangalan ng suking tindahan, at lakipan sampung sachet ng trust condom!
at pirmahan!
January 15, 2008 at 7:59 am
i was there. haha. wala lang. belated happy beer day, jonas bagas!
January 15, 2008 at 11:42 am
hey pepe. salamat!
February 7, 2008 at 7:24 pm
in as much as i wanted to be friends with my ex’s, it can never be if the other party doesn’t want to be. but as long as one’s intention is sincere, no harm there. on the other hand, it is noteworthy to say that having sex with one’s ex’s or his lover may be a no no, it does hurt sometimes that one of your friends do otherwise to you. expect the unexpected even with friends, i must say so.
thanks for having this blog.
February 8, 2008 at 8:27 am
haha.i love the coupon-generated exchange of thoughts.
my say: permanently ‘leaving’ you ex is part of the healing process –at least to both parties. yes, you can still be ‘close friends’ but i don’t think everything will turn out again as healthy as it was before. and i don’t think you, as the ex-lover, for example would be a welcoming mammal in the face of his new found love. and in case you are still both single trying to rekindle friendship, where will the boundary lies –a repeat or just plain friendship?
It’s way too complicated. I rather leave my exes.
unrelated excess: i stand myself corrected re:heath rant. i’m sorry i had to painfully do a second reading of your post. i initially thought you were the one saying “heath is in hell”.peace!
February 8, 2008 at 11:51 pm
@benjie: hey hey. well, that’s the thing about having sex with your ex - there are boundaries that must be observed. it can be difficult. but being friends with exes would depend on how you broke up. it’s not necessarily about closure, because that would be entail personal reckoning, but about agreeing to open lines of communication, about consciously deciding to be friends. and if you’ve had meaningful relationships with them, then i think it shouldn’t be hard.
February 8, 2008 at 11:55 pm
@nocturne: well, i guess what i’m saying is that being friends with exes is possible. it can be complicated, but human relationships - especially the meaningful ones - are complicated. but i personally feel that i should not allow years of memories and moments that i’ve spent with an ex to waste, that i can move on from a failed relationship without feeling that what i’ve just been through is a waste of time.
no worries about the heath mistake.
April 22, 2008 at 10:51 am
carlo here, im just using ben’s account kasi nga wala pa ako blog. naaliw ako dito. parang nandun din yata ako. hehehe i admire your outlook towards your exes. most especially sa taong you-know-who na friend ko. di bale jonas, hanap ka namin ni ben para di ka na single. would you like that to be ajoke or not? hehehe have a nice day jonas! belated happy bday!
April 22, 2008 at 7:13 pm
hey carlo!
kamusta ka na? how’s ben?
exes are exes. hehehe. and while i also enjoy being single, i don’t like jokes. better find me a date, ok? haha!
June 16, 2008 at 12:43 am
coupons or no, having sex with your ex will just open a can of worms. but i hate it that you can’t be intimate somebody else. and what’s worse,your ex is sleeping with everybody.
October 6, 2008 at 8:08 pm
As I’ve read per cosmopolitan magazine (i forgot the month and year published). Sex with the ex IS the last thing to go in the relationship. Either there is something innately sex with the thought, or intimacy not cherished / enjoy during the term when they were still together.
Yes it is true that gay relationships are indeed celebrated in the most liberal manner at the same time,romantic fallouts after mergers and acquisitions have gone cold still take a straight path.
Come to think of it, I’ve had dates with ex’s (just dates, nothing sexual, but sometime romantic) , nothing untowards as far as questions are concerned (because most of the time its the ex that called out the shots in the breakup and the friends from both parties know of the breakup) but the ace in my sleeve is - the ex’s friends votes go to me ..I turn tables somehow in the end, no matter how violent/bitter the actual breakup is.
Which leads me to suppose that if you treat people right, even the ex and parties thereto - if at the end of the relationship you are at a loss, it just the perception of loss, because in reality, you’ve gained.
November 20, 2008 at 11:24 am
Why can’t there be more out lezzies! It will be fun to have me reading a blog like yours jonas…
more power.. and more coupons!