fullman*

Heath Ledger, that fag-enabling pervert, is dead. That sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as ‘Brokeback Mountain’ mocked God, and He hates fags. Heath Ledger is dead and he is now in hell. Or so the Westboro Baptist Church, a US-based church known for its ‘God Hates Fags’ campaign, would like us to believe. Immediately after Ledger’s death, they announced that they would picket his funeral to drive home their point.

There is a certain degree of silliness in taking Ledger’s death personally. All over the world, gay men walked like, talked like, and acted like Ledger’s widows. It is one thing to feel bad about it or even send flowers to his apartment, but it is certainly another to swear to wear black clothes the entire year and to go on a sexual diet because of his death.

But we have to give it to the Westboro Baptist Church for its one-upmanship. ‘Silly’ doesn’t quite capture the act of inflicting a morbid sense of bigotry on a dead man who is not even gay but merely acted in movie about gay cowboys. Bigotry is, of course, unacceptable, but bigotry with insanity is in a different plane of thought: it is unacceptably sick and hilarious. You have to learn how to breathe through your ass before you could actually think in the same manner.

Childhood supposedly teaches all of us to realize that what we see on TV or in the movies do not necessarily reflect the real world. To grow up believing otherwise would lead to paranoia and delusion. Imagine how our lives would be if we all believe that every B movie or soap opera is true: that thing tapping on your window is a large tarantula that is out to eat the blonde lady in the other room, while Antonio Banderas and Tom Hanks are really gay. Too bad for Tom, he died due to the gay cancer.

But while they are it, the Westboro Baptist Church should consider holding protest actions against other ‘gay-enablers.’ I therefore nominate this list of people who have, wittingly or unwittingly, contributed to the proliferation of homosexuality in this world:

• Christopher Reeves. The quintessential Superman, I had a big crush on him when I was still in pre-school. If that theory about gay gene is true, mine probably got activated after watching Superman movies repeatedly. I bet he wore his underwear over his tight pants to recruit children into homosexuality. Burn underwear to protest against Reeves’ fag-enabling deeds. Also, ask your kids to swallow a piece of kryptonite to prevent them from getting infected with the gay virus after watching Smallville or old Superman movies. You may use tawas if kryptonite is unavailable.
• Cory Aquino. Her main omission is giving birth to Kris Aquino, whose salacious life provided income to the gay tabloid writers, gay TV hosts, etc. Kris, if I am not wrong, also engaged in premarital sex. Unfortunately, there is no sense launching protest actions against Cory: She won’t go to hell because she is close to Cardinal Sin. Kris, though, is a different story.
• Dioceldo Sy. Who is he? He is the owner of the Ever Bilena cosmetics, which produces the foundation (or face powder?) used by gay men, gay boys, bi-curious guys, and straight-acting guys (and all those labels that simply mean that they’re men who or would like to have to have sex with other men) to look fresh even in the harshest light of noon. This foundation is the mark of the Homosexual Devil: go to the nearest gay bar and everyday is Foundation Day. This is an additional sign – these gay boys, their entire body would be dripping with sweat after hours of dancing, but their faces would remain fresh until the next day. Dioceldo Sy is recruiting homosexuals through his face powder. Why can’t he sell the death-white, abstinence-inducing powder used by Queen Elizabeth instead?
• Henry Sy. The owner of malls large enough to declare independence and form their own governments, Henry Sy is aiding the homosexual cause by allowing his mall to be the recruitment ground for homosexuals. You see them milling about in railings and inside the theater. There is a fag inside Toilet No. 6 of Cinema 14 in SM North EDSA asking hapless victims to fill up and sign the Homosexual Recruitment Form No. 69. Protest against Henry Sy at your own risk.
• Nora Aunor. For claiming that there are no miracles, she should be protested for refusing to believe in the miraculous power of the Lord and, more importantly, for teaching budding gay teens the most dramatic, ambitious, and God-defying way of screaming “Walang himala!” in every Miss Gay Talipapa beauty pageant. Send your protest mail to the Ms. Nora Aunor, c/o the Warden, LA City Jail.
• Piolo Pascual. Wala lang. He’s not gay, ha. But I kinda like him. He tickles me. Every time he says he wants to be complete, I turn into a pink jelly. He actually “enables” me. You may visit us in the Philippines to protest this unintentional commission of sin, but be ready to be slapped with lawsuits from Papa Piolo. And be ready to face me, you spiteful dimwits. He is mine.

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