fullman*

When you announced the other day that Bishops do not need sex education and that you actually have your sex education program, I instantly got a hard on. There’s nothing like listening to a man of cloth explaining the birds and the bees and the miraculous babies to arouse me instantaneously.

In high school, I got bored with flip charts showing the fallopian tube, the vans deferens (duh!), and all these organs. But with bees and birds – dude, my dear Bishop, I get the point. It’s so raw that it gets me off – no need to commit premarital sex, or in my case the dreaded immoral, infernal homosexual sex – and I do get the message instantaneously: the birds shouldn’t get the bees, they should get married first and promise to each other that the bird won’t eat the bee and bee won’t sting the bird. Commitment before the stomach. See?

I also wish you would always bring that nifty anti-abortion poster of yours, that one with Grim Reaper and his Sickle of Death carrying a baby. The caption “Born Free” perfectly captures the attitude that young Filipinos should have towards sex. It is so… natural. Reminds me of the lioness that inspired the song. The image alone would make each and every horny teenager throw away their condoms and think of marriage everytime they have sex. And pregnant teenagers would not even contemplate taking morning after pills or going to underground abortion clinics because the poster alone would remind them of the… lioness.

My dear Bishop, nobody gets pregnant in the kind of sex that people of my “inclination” engage in, but we have decided to abandon using condoms because we firmly believe in your doctrine. Condoms prevent procreation. And more importantly, one must not waste the seeds of procreation. If the HIV incidence in the Philippines increased this year, then we must spend more to have cleaner toilet bowls and implement a more aggressive mosquito eradication program. Surely, with the help of god, the number would dwindle next year.

And I say yes to requiring prescription for condoms! Sex, after all, is a disease. Only perverts engage in meaningless sex, the type that requires condoms. Normal people think of pregnancy everytime they engage in sex. It’s true even for gay men. And while we are at it, you really should require prescription for lubricants, too. And also for guys4men membership – I don’t mind telling my doctor that homosexuality is a disease, so could I please be given a reseta to be a member of g4m?

So here: I will attend your sex education workshop. Please be warned that, given your expertise on sex (I feel so inadequate, you guys must be sexually active!), I might ask the following questions:

• What exactly is rimming, and will it make me get pregnant?
• Are you top or bottom? Is it true that versatility is akin to being in purgatory, and must we decide with finality where we really are?
• Just to avoid confusion and unnecessary sexual reaction, when you mention the “flesh of Christ” during communion, which flesh are you really talking about? Also, is He a bird or a bee?

Sincerely,

Fullman