Over lunch last Friday, a friend told us of a recent case of a 21-year old Manila-based homosexual who picked up an 8-year old boy in Cebu. The incident reached the authorities, the homosexual was arrested, and he is now detained somewhere in Cebu.
So there you go. This is the kind of story that gives traction to the ‘pedophilia card’ used by many anti-LGBT groups and individuals that oppose LGBT rights. In many instances, whether in a congressional hearing or a training, I find myself repeating one truth about pedophilia – that it is NOT a homosexual trait, and that it is fundamentally about power. The pedophile believes that he can abuse the victim because he is in a position to do so and because he thinks he can get away with it.
This is not to say that there are no homosexual pedophiles. The recorded cases of homosexual pedophiles may be lower than heterosexual cases, but it happens. It is also common. But instead of ascribing it to a particular group or community – for instance, despite reports of sexual abuses committed by priests against boys AND girls, it is not fair to say that priests are pedophiles – and instead of being in denial about it, it’s high time that we take it for what it is.
There are various explanations that I get when the issue is raised among gay friends: when you have sex with boys below 18, nothing is lost; that it is oftentimes solicited by the boys themselves, especially if it entailed payment or other forms of reward; that consent is actually given.
That it is illegal is a question of getting caught. Consent is flexible – a boy may say no at the outset, pero mapipilit.
There is an underlying machismo in how gay men view sex with other men, including sex with boys. Sexual initiation with boys is more acceptable because the prevailing thought is that nothing would be taken away – they’re boys, after all. Sexual initiation for boys is a sign of virility, whereas for girls, losing one’s virginity is oftentimes deemed disgraceful.
This kind of macho thinking – that men do not ‘lose’ anything when they have sex – is used to dismiss the fact that pedophilia is a form of abuse and that even in some cases of sex between men, exploitation happens.
Where do we draw the line between what’s exploitative and what’s not? Age and consent should be an automatic determinant, but there was one incident before that caught me off-balanced. We organized a human rights workshop for gays in a community in QC. We were talking about discrimination when two boys – of the Maximo Oliveros mold, and they couldn’t be older than 12 – said that they have experienced discrimination. They accused older men who refuse to have sex with them of discrimination.
I was dumbfounded. In our safer sex workshops, we are constrained to accept participants who are 18 and above only. But this was a human rights workshop, and the sex subject was broached by minors. They reasoned that it was consensual anyway. My co-facilitator and I followed the template, and told them that for adults, sex with minors is illegal, and that they are exposing themselves to a lot of risks, from STIs to dealing with authorities.
I wasn’t satisfied by our answer. And it still disturbs me. I knew that they weren’t satisfied by what we said, and that they’d end up having sex with older men. I wanted to tell them to do it safe, but I was worried that it’d be condoning an exploitative sexual relationship.
Of course, the burden of responsibility always rests on the adult. The law is clear on that. But if this is a question of machismo, of an embedded cultural norm, then a legal response would be insufficient. Penalize the pedophile, but let’s tackle the issue fair and square. It would help if the gay community would be upfront about it, since it is also a concern.
But the first step is to stop blaming homosexuality for pedophilia. Point your fingers to men who think that sex is an exercise of power, absolute power even. And break this silence over sex, even kids would benefit and would be safer if we’d just be honest and start talking about it.
dear jonas,
just discovered your blog and must say – i simply love it! love the way you write, love the way you think and i find especially touching the entry about coming out.
about pedophilia – surely nobody whit just a hint of common sense in themselves would blame homosexuals for pedophilia. but, still, many do. or, even if they recognize that there are more cases of pedophilia against girls, they use the cases like the one you mentioned as a “proof” that accepting homosexuality inevitably leads to accepting pedophilia. quite unbelievable line of thinking. so, like you said, we have to point that pedophilia is about power and abuse and has nothing to do with the sexual orientation of the perpetrator.
as for the boys who felt discriminated – it happens with girls, too. they too feel at least hurt when someone significantly older then them refuses to have sex. but, call me close-minded, i feel that older men shouldn’t have anything with minors, no matter if there was a consent or not. a minor simply isn’t in the same power position as the man in that kind of relationship. and a minor is not in position to make fully informed decisions (yes, i’m aware that this sounds condescending).
i remember, when i was 14, a friend of mine “fell in love” with a 30 y/o man. she ended up doing felatio, saying later that “it felt like licking an ice-cream, just like he said it would”. back then, it didn’t sound shocking to me, she just had a sexual experience with a man, the age didn’t matter. all of us were starting to discover our sexuality, and were so eager to experience the sex.
but now, when i think of it… saying “try it, it’s the same as licking ice-cream” to 14 y/o girl… nah, it just doesn’t sound right.
so, to conclude – yes, i do believe that we should talk openly about sex, and i do believe that kids would benefit from it – if it weren’t a taboo anymore, if the kids could freely talk about their sexuality and ask questions, the possibility to go to someone older who could “teach” them would be lower.
but, i also believe that laws should be strict and harsh when dealing with pedophilia cases (here, if you rape a girl, maximum penalty is 15 years, but in most of the cases it’s just 2-3 years, and for child pornography – maximum penalty is just 3 years!!), in order to deter mature people from thinking about having sex with kids.
there you go, my two veeery long cents
kisses and hugs,
sanja
Sanja!
Where in the world are you? It’s been so long!
Thank you for your comments. I fully agree with your points, and I do think that sex with minors is wrong. My dilemma in that story that I narrated was more on the issue of public health – I should have said that they should protect themselves.
What’s preventing the full imposition of our laws on pedophilia, I think, is the belief that it is a homosexual trait, and not a question of power. So the authorities would chase after homosexuals who commit pedophilia but would treat with velvet gloves priests who have been accused of the same crime.
I enjoyed your two cents, sanja, and hope to see you someday! Hope all is well!
agree that abuse of power is the enemy.
but age should be an automatic determinant, really? isn’t the number arbitrary? in some countries the legal age is 14. i sometimes get to thinking: is the philippines really an 18-and-above kind of culture? are we really protecting the teens, or is this an old (catholic?) repression tactic to reinforce the authority of old men over the young? what kind of allure is created by the idea that high school sex (or sex with high school age) is taboo yet it’s all too doable anyway? to battle abuse, we must break down old notions and listen to what everyone, especially the kids, have to say.
also agree that talking about it benefits the kids. it also benefits adults by listening to the kids. so let’s get it into the curriculum, dammit.
you got me thinking now…
does talking about safe sex encourage kids to have sex? is it bad if it does? are we hypocrites if we talk about safe sex but only in context of sex with someone their age?
of course, if the kid ask him/herself, we should answer the question, but what if the kid doesn’t ask? where is the age limit to talk about safe sex?
hey dalumat. exactly why I said age “should” be an automatic determinant. laws are created embody the moral values of the society – and yet you can see dissonance in many instances. (in the same manner, not all laws are legitimate. laws should reflect a society’s consensus, but if power is not distributed equally, then the fairness of laws could easily be compromised). so that was my dilemma in that workshop that i mentioned – they are minors who want to have sex with older guys. i still think that it is wrong, but the moral burden is on the adult. i agree that the age of majority is arbitrarily determined, and i do think that the age of consent should be lowered, but adults having sex with kids or children? in my book, that’s abuse. minors having sex with minors is a different issue altogether.
@sanja, i think an age-appropriate sex ed is necessary. i do believe we should talk about sex and contraceptives even to minor. my hesitation during the workshop was actually about the context – the kids want to have sex with older guys. i just felt that i wasn’t prepared to handle the issue.
It really is sad when homosexuals get all the blame for abuse pedophiles commit.
Take me for example, I am a gay teacher who simply enjoys and is passionate about teaching children. Despite being in a supposedly open-minded institution,I can still feel the judgment of fellow teachers and parents regarding my being an early childhood educator and my being gay.
Hirap minsan. Sometimes i get caught between my advocacies as a gay guy and my advocacies as a teacher. Most of the time i have to donwnplay my being gay just so to avoid social stigma and be able to do what i love to do.
GREAT BLOG ENTRY AS ALWAYS